As humans try to survive in 2022, we must be familiar with global affairs, the former Soviet Union, mRNA vaccines, climate change, “culture wars” invasive giant spidersbaseball lockouts, Euphoria, crazed governors and whatever’s going on with Kanye West.

When the inevitable topics of cryptocurrencies, NFTs, or the metaverse come up, it’s too much! My instinct is to retreat, the way a catfish crawls into a mud hole. But refusing to commit is becoming impossible. When a Gulfport NFT House sold at auction for $654,000, the urgency crystallized. We as citizens apparently need to know about this Byzantine taxonomy just to consume local news.

To study, I went to Crypto Street Restaurant, a cafe that opened on Clearwater Beach in December. Menu items include the “Blockchain Club,” the “Dogedog,” and… um, the “Cheeseburger.” I ordered a “walnut protocol salad”, blessed with a heroic amount of cheese. Cheese bodes well for cryptocurrencies! Surrounded by meme dogs, day-trading “candlestick patterns,” and Jeff Bezos quotes, I read as much as I could as tourists slumped by with beach chairs. A very Florida scene.

If you like cryptocurrencies, the following will simply annoy you. If you’re like me, this beginner’s guide won’t even pierce the surface of ignorance. Each cryptographic definition requires three more definitions and a dictionary. learning the language of internet of the future it’s a full-time hobby, like writing Twilight fan fiction or softly playing the oboe in a city window.

What is cryptocurrency?

It is a currency that exists only on the Internet. Varieties include Bitcoin, Ethereum, and two (!) with a Shiba Inu. People can exchange old-fashioned dollars for cryptocurrencies on trading platforms. Opinions about this range from “this is the future” to “this is basically Beanie Babies.”

Isn’t it regulated?

Mostly, though regulation efforts are ramping up, like when the summer camp had to station an extra counselor at Cabin Six. All transactions occur on the decentralized blockchain.

What is the $&#% blockchain?

You’re in luck, because this definition was on a poster under the purse hook in the ladies’ room. In translation, the blockchain is a digital ledger where no one authority has control. Just like my emotional landscape.

Is this real?

That is real? Is money real, or does it just become real when enough people agree that it’s real? Also, are we living in a simulation? Now I will repeatedly stroke the side of my face and deal with existence. We’ve had five questions and nothing makes sense. This is about aces!

Speaking of simulations, what is the metaverse?

The metaverse is a 3D version of the internet where avatar people can meet and hang out.

Isn’t that just The Sims?

I am 90 percent sure.

OK, anyway, what is an NFT?

Non-fungible tokens convert digital objects like art, memes, tweets and, oh Mylanta, newspaper columns, in assets. Proponents say that NFTs give artists control of their work. About him tonight showJimmy Fallon and Paris Hilton they compared their NFT cartoon apeswhile the public laughed nervously and transformed into catfish.

Celebrities, huh?

Stars love cryptocurrencies. Kim Kardashian, Tom Brady, LeBron James, Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow. Basically all celebrities. Reese Witherspoon tweeted: “In the (near) future, each person will have a parallel digital identity. Avatars, crypto wallets, and digital goods will be the norm. Are you planning this?” This filled me with permanent apocalyptic dread, the opposite of Reese’s usual iced tea vibe!

Does anyone dare to say no?

Ben McKenzie, who millennials know as troublesome hunk Ryan Atwood in the bossHe hates cryptocurrencies. As she once held a dying Marissa Cooper in her arms, he now cradles a new mission: to tell everyone that cryptocurrencies are a scam. In the most interesting career move since Vanilla Ice became a house fanatic, McKenzie is writing a book with journalist Jacob Silverman. He says that celebrities have no idea what they are promoting. He said The cut, “All I really care about is that people who can’t afford to lose money don’t lose it.”

Did you pay for your salad in crypto?

I used American Express. But the restaurant accepts cryptocurrencies, if you’re sitting on a pile of Doge and craving a “To The MOOOONNN!” brownie ice cream

Do you understand crypto now?

No.

Did you know that a catfish can survive buried in mud for a year?

inspiring!

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